Residents of Noosa, QLD, are beginning to suspect a link between the arrival of their new neighbours and a sudden shortage of toilet paper for the second time this year.
Coincidentally, the local hospital has seen an exponential increase in emergency admissions for the rare condition of priapism.
What might be the cause, do we think?
Ah, the extremely rare but surprisingly well-documented (by himself) phenomenon of Accidental Rudd Relevance Syndrome (medical abbreviation; ARRS):
According to recent academic research from the Grievance Studies Department of Washington State’s Evergreen College, confirmed occurrences of ARRS are infrequent and closely correlate to the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn, so Australian observers should savour this once in 50 generations opportunity to witness it first hand.
As we’ve observed before, the only subject Kevin Rudd likes to talk about more than himself, is China.
The virus was a tricky topic for him to publicly navigate as it inevitably requires reaching a conclusion which results in a loss of “face” for Rudd’s highfalutin mates in the Chinese administration.
The recent escalation in diplomatic tensions offer a much safer opportunity of personal relevance therefore, launching a dozen interviews on TV and radio and hundreds of column inches penetrating into sympathetic newspapers.
Hence the potential toilet paper shortage and erectile dysfunctional medical issues no doubt plaguing the normal domestic bliss, Chez Rudd, as he risks serious onanismic injury from the excitement.
Lubricate and hydrate, Kevin. Lubricate and hydrate.