Brian’s bunker

Good friend of this organ, Brian Hartzer, CEO of Wokepac, hasn’t had the greatest of weeks.

It turns out that, while he was spending much of his working life making diversity hires, virtue signalling with drag queens and using shareholder value to project pretty coloured lights on the HQ for whatever victimhood day it happens to be, he took his eye off the less important part of his job description; running a bank.

Don’t worry, nothing bad happened, just a few illegal international money transfers in breach of the anti-laundering laws.

How many, you ask?

Oh, just 23 million.

Any issue in that number? Oh, only a load of payments likely used to facilitate sexual abuse of children in third world countries.

Nothing to see here then.

What’s really interesting though is how quickly Brian managed to recruit Prince Andrew’s PR manager.

Well, one assumes that’s what’s happened, otherwise how else can the press release be explained?

Bill’s Opinion

If facilitating extensive sexual abuse of children through professional incompetence isn’t a firing matter, I’m struggling to work out what is.

The most likely explanation is that the bank needs a little time to sort out the work visa for Brian’s replacement.

We can exclusively confirm that this will be none other than Prince Andrew who has fortunately suddenly become available for new work.

13 Replies to “Brian’s bunker”

    1. I see your point but, although he is suitably incompetent, there isn’t enough connection to noncing.

      Rolf Harris won’t need a work visa, so he could be a good backup option.

      1. “there isn’t enough connection to noncing”

        That may be true. Although his demonstrated even handed psychopathic approach in ruthlessly eradicating all of business problem areas across the board should go along way to providing all of Westpac’s stakeholders the much needed and urgent reassurance that under his stewardship this type of behaviour will be rooted our of the organisation once and for all.

          1. What to have fun with an Australian?
            Write “route” down and ask them to pronounce it.
            Then ask them to sing the verse of “Route 66”.

  1. Brian was toast before this as I think I might have mentioned before. It is the lack of succession that prevents him walking – which falls to the board/chairman. On the basis you can’t change both positions at the same time you have a problem. The only option is to tough out for the next few months and announce an orderly process.

    Maxsted is tough, but will see the issues.

    I stand by my view that you cannot be both high return and low risk, even from a position of relative strength. It would seem the risk is increasing, and the returns will fall. Also, neither lucky, nor good.

    To the external review announced in the press release; there are currently at least five consultants already looking at the risk function. One short it would seem.

    And I think Rolf might fail the crim check.

    1. “I stand by my view that you cannot be both high return and low risk, even from a position of relative strength. It would seem the risk is increasing, and the returns will fall. Also, neither lucky, nor good.”

      Yes Westpac as a business are hard pushed to cover the dividend, this is a typically balancing act and pressure point that most banking institution face throughout the world.

      I think though that the problem with the big four is that they have “succeeded catastrophically” and have all became far too large in a relative to the market cap and its relationship to the Australian economy. The Wetspac share price dropped a mere 3% on Wednesday and cut a gazillion odd out of the All Ordinaries, thus becoming the economic issue du jour, some of mine drop 12% or more and don’t get a mention.

      The Big Four are out whack, their centre of gravity is too high within the overall economic make up, nature has a tendency of repairing these type of anomalies. When and how this correction will occur, I don’t know, could Fintechs take up market share? Its a brave forecaster who would say that some upstart is going top fuck with the Wongs.

      The elite need the banks to keep the show on the road for now, we must be kept muddling along up until they are ready for their next move.

      “The banks were saved but the people were ruined.”

      1. “The Big Four are out whack”.

        I agree, but the status quo could remain for another couple of generations.

        I do feel that, the moment an Apple or Google get a banking licence, the big four would very quickly taken down. A smart digital newcomer would just pick off the profitable products and leave the low margin/high risk products to the traditional model.

        Today though, Australia would be far better served by having 10+ banks with no more than 10% market share each.

        Don’t hold your breath.

        1. “Don’t hold your breath.”

          I gave up on that years ago and decided that if you cant beat them join them and you cant beat them.

          The reality is that if you distill the ownership of any big institution up far enough you will find that all of the worlds wealth is concentrated into the hands of the 1%’ers, a cursory review of Westpacs major shareholders reveals its the same with them as it would do with any of the Big Four.

          This concentration of ownership would also extend to any new kids on the block, even though the illusion of independence may be maintained at the shop front level. No doubt there is the very rare case where genuine unaffiliated newcomers do a start up, but if they don’t start to toe the line and get with the program, they will be crushed with extreme prejudice.


          Revealed – the capitalist network that runs the world

          When the team further untangled the web of ownership, it found much of it tracked back to a “super-entity” of 147 even more tightly knit companies – all of their ownership was held by other members of the super-entity – that controlled 40 per cent of the total wealth in the network. “In effect, less than 1 per cent of the companies were able to control 40 per cent of the entire network,” says Glattfelder. Most were financial institutions. The top 20 included Barclays Bank, JPMorgan Chase & Co, and The Goldman Sachs Group.

          Read more:

          1. Ever been to that website where you plug your asset values and income in and it tells you what global percentile you’re in?

            We’re both in the 1%, pal.

    2. “I stand by my view that you cannot be both high return and low risk, even from a position of relative strength. It would seem the risk is increasing, and the returns will fall. Also, neither lucky, nor good.”.

      Very good.

      Having worked in several of the banks here, I can totally understand why Harzter is still in the job this weekend; nobody has ever been fired for incompetence at Westpac in the history of the company.

      It’s simply not an option anyone would have considered.

      1. I don’t think that being fired comes into the vernacular of CEO’s of major financial institutions, they operate in a different employment market with different values and rules on tenure.

        I wouldn’t be surprised if our Brian is having a bit of a whinge that the $1m dollar worth of shares that he bought on market with his own money on the 8th Jan 19 for $25 a share would only fetch $24.77 today, how will he be compensated for the lost opportunity when the overall market is up over 20%, will be his view on it all.

        Especially given his tireless efforts in meeting their mission statement of “Bringing help where it matters” – see picture on page 2 of Annual Report showing a Childcatcher about to strike.

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