I’ll take “things that didn’t happen” for $800, Jussie

Jussie Smollett is an actor and musician. Apparently he is famous for this and also for recently telling everyone about his sexuality.

No, I’d never heard of him either.

Shockingly, he was badly beaten at 2am on Tuesday morning in Chicago. The attackers apparently recognised him, called him a gay and racial slur, beat him, poured a chemical (possibly bleach) on him and wrapped a rope around his neck. The reports didn’t confirm which knot, if any, was used.

Side note of interest; the temperature in Chicago at the time was -14 degrees C.

There’s a breakdown of the reported facts here and a load of screen shots of the reactions of celebrities and politicians who clearly didn’t learn a lesson from the Covington Catholic School lunacy.

Bill’s Opinion

Using our patented razor, we are going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the explanation requiring the least number of assumptions to be correct, and therefore the most likely truth of the situation, is that Jussie is suffering from a mental condition that has resulted in him making the whole thing up.

Alternatively, there really are a pair of racist homophobes living in Chicago who were walking around in the early hours of a weekday morning in arctic conditions carrying bleach and a length of rope on the off-chance they recognise a famous gay black man buying a sandwich.

Let’s hope the Chicago Police investigate the hell out of this.

9 Replies to “I’ll take “things that didn’t happen” for $800, Jussie”

  1. I blame Plato. (Not for the attack, I hasten to add; but for the way people see this.)

    Somewhere in a timeless realm of pure forms, whiteness and cis-gendered male heterosexuality are forever kicking shite out of poor oppressed blackness and femininity and gayness. The world we see merely instantiates this superior reality, which informs every aspect of our experience. The details of what happened on specific occasions are not important. It doesn’t really matter if one gay black actor was attacked or not. What matters is being woke enough to comprehend this world of pure forms.

    It’s understandable that all those tweets are a bit short on facts. Their purpose is to signify that the tweeter is one of the Guardians, someone who has seen into that superior reality of pure forms.

    1. Amazing! This sounds like a very difficult state of enlightenment to achieve! What, with one gaining insight into all the world and it’s mechanisms once the woke heights are attained.

      What was that, you say? I must merely tweet indignation at pale-faced bepenised individuals who prefer pair bonding with glorious Full Humans? Stand back, mere detritus, as I dash headlong into the superior reality of pure forms!

      Thank you Guru Vara, and may whiteness never stain your pure soul.

    2. You’re referencing the Allegory of the Cave, I think.

      There is definitely a perception mismatch between one half of the world and the other currently.

  2. I think your razor requires sharpening.

    He was just indulging in a bit of harmless autoerotic asphyxiation on his way home after supper and probably slipped or suffered some other minor mishap.

  3. I think your razor requires sharpening.

    He was just indulging in a bit of harmless autoerotic asphyxiation on his way home after supper and probably slipped or suffered some other minor mishap. Happens all the time and we have all done far worse than that.

      1. Okay I didn’t realsie that it was him that called the cops, even so, maybe you are just more cynical than I, take Richard Quest predicament which on first appearance looked questionable only to be simply explained later by his brief.


        CNN personality Richard Quest was busted in Central Park early yesterday with some drugs in his pocket, a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals, and a sex toy in his boot, law-enforcement sources said.

        Quest’s lawyer, Alan Abramson, had a much more innocuous version of events.

        “Mr. Quest didn’t realize that the park had a curfew,” Abramson said. He was simply “returning to his hotel with friends.”


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