I’ve only got three months left to live but at least I’m not Anderson Cooper

“Hello and good evening, welcome to Anderson Cooper 360. I’m Anderson Cooper and for those wondering about the numbers, one way of measuring the planet shown behind me is by dividing it into 360 degrees. Obviously the inference being that, here on CNN, we report all the facts from all angles without bias, agenda or spin.”

Oh my God, I get this goddamn sick feeling in my stomach when I lie. I hate it.

Tonight we will be analysing the latest developments from the alleged hacking of the presidential election by the Russians. We will be discussing today’s explosive disclosure that somebody unimportant to President Trump met someone with a Russian-sounding name at a suburban Starbucks in 2009, or was standing in line at the counter at the same time at least.

On the panel tonight we have my colleague at CNN, Dave Democrat, another colleague here at CNN, Lisa Liberal, and to prove we aren’t an echo chamber, we also have CNN host, Don Lemon.

Christ, here we go again; rinse and repeat, speculation, strawman, question whether there will be an impeachment, discuss it for an hour and then come to the conclusion that it’s still not the smoking gun we’ve been hoping for these past 14 months.

Fuck! It’s been FOURTEEN MONTHS! Please God, when can we move on and start reporting news that actually means something?

So first, let me ask you, Don, what’s the significance of these latest shocking revelations?

Well, I’m glad you asked me that Anderson, and can I just say that these allegations, if they turn out to be true, are the most outrageous developments since yesterday’s news that a Whitehouse intern once drank Russian vodka in a bar in Columbus, Ohio after they graduated from college?

Yes you may, Don, that’s a great perspective, thanks. Do continue, please.

Yes Anderson, these developments are indeed scandalous. We still don’t have the full details of what coffee was consumed by whom although we do know that the member of the campaign in question usually opts for a Skinny Decaf Venti with hazelnut syrup. Whether this was their order on this occasion we are yet to ascertain. (Continues on this theme for 20 minutes)

Is this what I’ve become? Born into one of the richest, most powerful families in the country, Yale-educated, on a trajectory for greatness and I’m stuck here 5 nights a week listening to people agreeing with themselves that we’ve got a buffoon as executive leader?

Where did it go wrong, that’s what I want to know?

I know where it went wrong; my fucking parents. Why on earth did they give me 3 fucking last names? “Anderson Hays Cooper”? They’re all bloody surnames. I was fated to have a shit life from they day they Christened me.

What’s wrong with “David” for fuck’s sake?

(Lemon continuing) ….and so we’ve got a crew on the scene waiting for the local Sheriff’s department to make a statement on the nationalities of the staff at the particular Starbucks and whether or not any of them have Russian backgrounds or, indeed, once played Tetris as a child”.

Thanks Don, great analysis and insight as always. I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got time for this evening. Tune in tomorrow for further breaking news on this historic situation. Goodnight.

Oh, please God kill me now, let it be over.

Bill’s Opinion

Apologies to Half Man Half Biscuit.

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